Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be the start of a very new chapter.  My Dad is moving here to live with me and help me with this transition.  We have lived 2000 miles away from one another for 5 years.  To say that I am excited is a little bit of an understatement.

My Dad is the type of Dad who would and does do anything for his daughters.  He worked a job that payed less but made him more available to us for much of my adolescence.  I don't ever remember him not being there if he said he would be.  He is steady and calm and honest and loving.  He is also fun and funny and adventurous.  When I told him that my ex and I were splitting, the very first thing that he said to me without any hesitation was "Do you want a live in cook and babysitter? I have nothing much going on here and could leave and come back to help you.".  I don't think that I will forget that for as long as I live.  Here I am, 30 years old, and my Dad is still willing to drop everything to make life a little easier for me.  That is the true definition of Father to me.

I can't wait for my daughter to get to know him better. Up until now, he has existed on a computer screen or in a week's long vacation.  Now, she will get to see him daily.  My ex has already talked to her about the things that he hopes my Dad will teach her (like how to play guitar, and basketball, and make gumbo).  I also know that he will be able to go along with whatever kind of relationship my ex and I decide to have.  Much of my strength and calm in this situation I learned from watching him.  He and my Mom split when I was 10, but remained friends and supportive.  At one point, my Dad not only worked for my step-father, but decided to buy a house with him so that they could all live together and help one another and keep our family together.  That is such a strong testament to the Man that he is and the reason that I want so badly for my ex and I to remain a family.  Even in the earlier days of my split from my ex, my Dad assured me that he would follow my lead however I needed him to.  However my ex and I chose to handle our relationship going forward, he would be fine with.

Beyond the fact that I get to see my Dad everyday, he has already made it clear that he will make himself available for me.  At night, when I start dating again or even just trying to meet new people, he is perfectly fine to stay home with my daughter and let me have some time to myself.  Since my ex and I have not figured out any kind of visitation schedule, this will be huge.  I haven't had much time to myself since I moved out and I am truly looking forward to it.  Beyond going out, I can stay in and hang with him! I won't have to face the occasional loneliness anymore.  He will be there to talk to.  My therapist has warned me not to let him take the place that my husband once filled emotionally, so I will be making sure I am mindful of that.

Wish us luck. No doubt it will be a big transition for all.  He hasn't had a three year old in his house since 2008.  It may take a little time to work out the kinks, but I am so grateful and so excited to have him here.

Letting Go

Today I am choosing to let go. To stop trying to hold on to feelings and things that are not meant to be held on to. I want to be able to move on with my life and be truly happy. In order to accomplish that, I have to let go.

Today, I somewhat gave my blessing for my ex to continue to see "the other woman". Because he is in love with her. Even though this hurts me, I know I need to just let it go. What is the point of trying to hold something that is no longer yours to hold? Don't I want to find love with someone better suited for me? Of course. So, I can choose to deal with the emotions and feelings that come with him being with her and continue to be strong for myself and our daughter.

Then, once I have truly let go of it all, I know I will find happiness. And while I hope I find someone to share my happiness with, I know that I can be just fine on my own.

Lonely

This week my ex told me that he hopes that I don't feel lonely.  And it got me thinking, is lonely really the worse thing to be?

I have been lonely before.  I am probably lonely sometimes now.  But, to me, I don't think that lonely is the worst thing I could be.  I would rather be lonely than be unappreciated.  I would rather wish I had someone to spend time with than have someone who doesn't want to spend time with me.  I would rather fill my time doing things I want to do than fill my time doing something to try to please someone else.  I would rather be alone and deal with someone else's drama.

Something great about loneliness and being alone is that it makes me really think about what I want and need in myself and someone else.  I do not want to feel lonely while I am with someone ever again.  It was the worst feeling in the world to be with the one that you love so deeply and still feel lonely.  I will never put myself in that situation again.  I don't want the person that I am with to ever feel that way again either.  I know that I did that to my ex.  Being lonely and alone is a thousand times better than being lonely and with someone.

There is also a big difference between missing a particular person in your life and being lonely.  I think that for me, it is that I miss my husband.  I miss the person that I spent 11 years of my life with.  I am lonely sometimes, but lonely for him.  For the life that I had.  Finding someone to make me temporarily not feel lonely will not fill this void for me.  It is something that I need to work on myself.  Something I need to work through to truly move on from and get over.  Then, when I am ready, I will find someone that will fill my loneliness truly.  But until then, being lonely is not the worst thing that I could be.

Strength

I realized something recently.  I am very strong.  I felt weak for SO LONG but I wasn't.  I was strong.

Loving someone who doesn't love you the same way is strength.  Treating people the way you want to be treated is strength.  Realizing your part in the direction your life is going is strength.  Choosing to move on and change is strength.  Holding your life together when you feel like falling apart is strength.

That's what people have been saying to me.  "I am in awe of your strength" or "You are stronger than me so you can handle this" or "You are handling yourself with such strength".  I am choosing to believe these people.  I know that I will make it through this time, the most difficult time in my life, on the other side.  I will be happy.  I will be OK.  And I will be myself throughout the whole thing.

Love Anyway

I have learned throughout my marriage and especially the end of my marriage that I am different than a lot of people that I know.  That doesn't mean I am better or worse, but I seem to approach things differently than a lot of my friends.  I think this is in part due to my religious background as a teenager.  But, it also has to be just something within me.  Sometimes I wonder if this is a curse, because it sure seems to hurt me sometimes.

I can love unconditionally.  I see the good in people no matter what.  My ex was not a great husband to me.  He did many, many things that hurt me deeply.  Sometimes, he still does.  I hurt him, too of course.  The difference between he and I is that I forgive and love anyway.  He never could.  Even with everything that happened, and all that he did to me, I still love him and know that I always will.  He is a part of me.

My ex has struggled with depression for a long time.  Today is his birthday which even in the best of times was always a hard day for him.  He never quite felt enough love on his birthday for as long as I have known him.  It reminds him of mortality and that life is moving forward towards death whether he likes it or not.  So today on my lunch break, I talked to him.  I listened to him talk to me about girl problems, about how sorry he was for the things he had done to me, and how worried he is of being alone.  I reminded him that he matters, that he is loved by me and others, and that he is worthy of a happy life.

I told him what I have truly learned in the last couple of months.  You cannot let anyone but yourself control your happiness.  Other people will let you down.  We are human and it is in our nature.  You can forgive them and love them anyway.  You can forgive yourself and love yourself anyway.

In the last few months I could have taken many paths.  I could have been spiteful, and vengeful, and angry, and mean.  I wasn't.  I was hurt.  I said some things that I felt when I felt them.  But, under it all, I loved my ex anyway.  It made me happy to know that I was choosing what was best for me.  I read a quote once that said "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".  This is true for me.  I believe in being the kind of person that I want to meet.  In being the good in the world.  Of showing people who may not otherwise feel it that they are loved unconditionally.  This makes my life much happier.

In My Next Relationship...

In my next relationship I will do things differently.  I will also do things the same.

It is crazy to think about how much you can want something to work out when it shouldn't.  My ex and I once loved each other deeply and without regret.  It was him over everything for me, and me over everything for him.  Somewhere along the line, that changed.  Having reflected on it all for a few months now, I can see that it wasn't anyone's fault.  The way our marriage came to a crashing stop was the result of his actions, but it had been broken long before that.

We met and began dating in a teenage whirlwind at 18 and 19.  We thought we knew it all and nothing would ever get between us.  But things did.  On more than one occasion.  The real world is hard.  Marriage is hard.  Parenthood is harder.  Good intentions and love are not all it takes to make a relationship a success.  And when too much has happened to truly forgive, there is no going back.

Moving forward will not be easy.  My ex is seeing someone new.  Someone who I think will be very well suited to him.  I have met her in the past.  She is beautiful and kind and they share a lot of the same interests.  They will be able to support one another in a way that I never could.  I want this for myself.  I want to find someone who will share interests with me.  Someone who will support my passions and hobbies and want to spend time with me.  Things that I had to force with my ex, I won't have to do with someone else.  But, getting there will not be simple.  Opening up again will not be as simple as I may want it to be.  Even though I am pretty quick to open up to someone, it might be in my best interest to be different this time around.  To guard myself a little more.

Honestly, I am really looking forward to finding the things that truly make me happy in a relationship.  The easy parts.  I had been in a relationship that was too hard for way too long.  I forget what it feels like to have the simple happiness that comes with being with someone new.  I had that with my ex once upon a time, but now I feel like I know some ways to keep that feeling alive...stay tuned :)

Find Your Own Happy

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the things that make me happy.  For the last 3 1/2 years I have spent a lot of time and energy focusing on making my daughter happy.  I am her Mother after all, so I do feel like that's my job!  But, it doesn't mean that I have to neglect myself and my happiness.  Through therapy and good conversations with friends I am often reminded that I am the only one that can truly make ME happy.  So, my goal is to do something everyday that will bring me joy.  Here are a few thoughts on those things.

• Volleyball.  I played competitively in high school and also playing in college and after in many rec leagues.  When my daughter was born, I stopped playing. I  just couldn't make the time.  This year, I decided to take a job as the coach of a freshman team at the school where I work. I get to teach 10 Freshman girls to love the sport that I love.  It brings me great joy to play my favorite sport with them and also be a mentor figure to them.  Hearing them call me "Coach" in the halls at school always brings a smile to my face.
• Singing.  I love to sing.  Karaoke is my favorite.  When I can't find the time to get out for an actual karaoke night, I love to turn on my favorites and sing while I am cleaning or cooking.  I also use my 20 minute commute when I am alone in the car to sing my heart out. It calms me!
• Historical TV Shows and Documentaries.  I am a historical fiction junkie.  Anything that is supposed to be set in a different time period pretty much means I will watch it.  Downton Abbey.  Mad Men. The Tudors. American Dreams. Pretty much anything on Masterpiece or PBS. I see nothing wrong with taking a little time in front of the TV to unwind.
• Talking.  I am a talker. I need to talk through my thoughts and feelings with people.  It's why I write this blog. It's why I am constantly texting friends and family.  It's why I love going to see my therapist.  I like to work things out with words.  I am beyond grateful for the handful of true friends who have listened to me over and over and over in the last few months. I continue to count on them heavily and they continue to make me smile daily.
• Work.  I love my job.  Truly.  Working in a High School is the greatest. I get to know nearly 100 new students a year and watch the other 300 in the school grow up and mature.  The relationships that I have with my students and colleagues is like no other.  My coworkers are the most supportive group of people I have ever had a chance to work with.  Especially as I am going through this divorce, they have all been very kind and generous.  Several have referred to us as "family" and it really is true.
• My online Mom Group.  I have a group of women that I met online when we were pregnant with our "babies".  We have become long distance BFFs and I have met several of them in person.  We exchange Christmas cards and gifts.  We do a birthday present swap for our children. We try to meet up whenever we are anywhere near one another.  And during extra tough times we support each other.  When I told them I was getting a divorce my mailbox was flooded with greeting cards letting me know that they were thinking of me and that they loved me.  When I finally moved into my own place, a box of frozen meals appeared on my door like magic to help me adjust.  They have been there for me through every tough moment in the last few years. Late night nursing with a newborn. Martial problems.  Finding the right swimsuit or jeans. Everything.

Even in writing this post, I am realizing that I have so many things in my life that make me happy.  It is truly amazing how focusing on those things can change your whole outlook and your whole day.  I need to remember that on my down days.  Focus on the happy.  Find the happy in the every day.

Music Speaks When You Can't

Music has always filled about 60% of my brain and memory.  I can remember song lyrics like nothing else.  Music speaks to me.  I have been known to sing along to the music in the supermarket, even.  I write down song titles and lyrics that catch me no matter where I hear them.  My Pinterest account is full of song lyrics that I love.

During the last couple of months I have had a love/hate relationship with music.  Some songs cut me so deep that I can't even bear a note of them.  Others make me feel so calm and happy that I want to play them on repeat.  Then there are the ones in the middle that don't make me overly sad or happy but speak to me on a deeper level.  The kind where you hear them and think they are singing to you or about you.  The kind that leave you wistful for what they are singing about.  And, in my case, the kind that I add to my list of possible karaoke songs!

Right now, I am listening to John Mayer's "Born and Raised" essentially on repeat.  So many songs on this album are like the perfect trifecta of music qualities.  They calm me, make me think, and make me want to sing along.  Perfection.

Today, as I have just unpacked some of my belongings in my new apartment and am slowing bringing the rest over from my old house, one song in particular is speaking to me.  Do you have a song that speaks to your soul right now?


If I ever get around to living,
I'm gonna put my things away
In the drawers and in the closets
There I'll stay
Stay

If I ever get around to living,
It's gonna be just like I dreamed
I'm gonna take the love I'm given
And set it free
Free

Hi and Welcome!

Hello!  Welcome to my tiny little piece of the internet.  After much self reflection over the slow death of my marriage, I have decided to start writing about it.  "It" being my life.  The ins and outs and ups and downs of being 30 with a three year old daughter ending a relationship you have been in since you were a teenager.

Life is a little scary right now.  I have been with my former husband since I was 19.  This first time I moved out of my house, I moved in with him.  We have been together for nearly 11 years and most of it was wonderful.  We have a beautiful daughter who is the greatest joy and stress in both of our lives.  Life as I know it, and especially as she knew it, is changing.

My daughter and I moved into our own apartment which we will soon be sharing with my retired Father.  Yes, I will be 30 and living with my parents.  Something I never thought I would say.  Maybe saying he lives with me will make it sound better.  Either way, I am beyond grateful for his willingness to come and help me during a difficult transition.  My former husband and I are working on remaining friends despite a lot of mutual hurt and are doing everything we can to successfully co-parent our girl.  My emotions have been on a three month long roller-coaster that hasn't slowed down yet!

In the meantime, I am trying to find a way to balance being an always on Mommy and no longer on wife with being a 30 year old woman with her own interests and wants.  I want to do things that will make me happy.  I want to surround myself with people who bring me joy.  I want my daughter to see her mother as the happy person that I truly feel that I am on the inside.

So, that is a little about me and why I am writing.  Maybe you are on the verge of a divorce. Maybe you are 30 and want more happiness.  Maybe you have a young child who simultaneously drives you crazy and makes you beam with pride.  If so, then I hope that you will stick with me as I share my view of the roller-coaster!