Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Love Anyway

I have learned throughout my marriage and especially the end of my marriage that I am different than a lot of people that I know.  That doesn't mean I am better or worse, but I seem to approach things differently than a lot of my friends.  I think this is in part due to my religious background as a teenager.  But, it also has to be just something within me.  Sometimes I wonder if this is a curse, because it sure seems to hurt me sometimes.

I can love unconditionally.  I see the good in people no matter what.  My ex was not a great husband to me.  He did many, many things that hurt me deeply.  Sometimes, he still does.  I hurt him, too of course.  The difference between he and I is that I forgive and love anyway.  He never could.  Even with everything that happened, and all that he did to me, I still love him and know that I always will.  He is a part of me.

My ex has struggled with depression for a long time.  Today is his birthday which even in the best of times was always a hard day for him.  He never quite felt enough love on his birthday for as long as I have known him.  It reminds him of mortality and that life is moving forward towards death whether he likes it or not.  So today on my lunch break, I talked to him.  I listened to him talk to me about girl problems, about how sorry he was for the things he had done to me, and how worried he is of being alone.  I reminded him that he matters, that he is loved by me and others, and that he is worthy of a happy life.

I told him what I have truly learned in the last couple of months.  You cannot let anyone but yourself control your happiness.  Other people will let you down.  We are human and it is in our nature.  You can forgive them and love them anyway.  You can forgive yourself and love yourself anyway.

In the last few months I could have taken many paths.  I could have been spiteful, and vengeful, and angry, and mean.  I wasn't.  I was hurt.  I said some things that I felt when I felt them.  But, under it all, I loved my ex anyway.  It made me happy to know that I was choosing what was best for me.  I read a quote once that said "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".  This is true for me.  I believe in being the kind of person that I want to meet.  In being the good in the world.  Of showing people who may not otherwise feel it that they are loved unconditionally.  This makes my life much happier.


Monday, September 28, 2015

In My Next Relationship...

In my next relationship I will do things differently.  I will also do things the same.

It is crazy to think about how much you can want something to work out when it shouldn't.  My ex and I once loved each other deeply and without regret.  It was him over everything for me, and me over everything for him.  Somewhere along the line, that changed.  Having reflected on it all for a few months now, I can see that it wasn't anyone's fault.  The way our marriage came to a crashing stop was the result of his actions, but it had been broken long before that.

We met and began dating in a teenage whirlwind at 18 and 19.  We thought we knew it all and nothing would ever get between us.  But things did.  On more than one occasion.  The real world is hard.  Marriage is hard.  Parenthood is harder.  Good intentions and love are not all it takes to make a relationship a success.  And when too much has happened to truly forgive, there is no going back.

Moving forward will not be easy.  My ex is seeing someone new.  Someone who I think will be very well suited to him.  I have met her in the past.  She is beautiful and kind and they share a lot of the same interests.  They will be able to support one another in a way that I never could.  I want this for myself.  I want to find someone who will share interests with me.  Someone who will support my passions and hobbies and want to spend time with me.  Things that I had to force with my ex, I won't have to do with someone else.  But, getting there will not be simple.  Opening up again will not be as simple as I may want it to be.  Even though I am pretty quick to open up to someone, it might be in my best interest to be different this time around.  To guard myself a little more.

Honestly, I am really looking forward to finding the things that truly make me happy in a relationship.  The easy parts.  I had been in a relationship that was too hard for way too long.  I forget what it feels like to have the simple happiness that comes with being with someone new.  I had that with my ex once upon a time, but now I feel like I know some ways to keep that feeling alive...stay tuned :)

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Find Your Own Happy

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the things that make me happy.  For the last 3 1/2 years I have spent a lot of time and energy focusing on making my daughter happy.  I am her Mother after all, so I do feel like that's my job!  But, it doesn't mean that I have to neglect myself and my happiness.  Through therapy and good conversations with friends I am often reminded that I am the only one that can truly make ME happy.  So, my goal is to do something everyday that will bring me joy.  Here are a few thoughts on those things.

  • Volleyball.  I played competitively in high school and also playing in college and after in many rec leagues.  When my daughter was born, I stopped playing. I  just couldn't make the time.  This year, I decided to take a job as the coach of a freshman team at the school where I work. I get to teach 10 Freshman girls to love the sport that I love.  It brings me great joy to play my favorite sport with them and also be a mentor figure to them.  Hearing them call me "Coach" in the halls at school always brings a smile to my face.
  • Singing.  I love to sing.  Karaoke is my favorite.  When I can't find the time to get out for an actual karaoke night, I love to turn on my favorites and sing while I am cleaning or cooking.  I also use my 20 minute commute when I am alone in the car to sing my heart out. It calms me!
  • Historical TV Shows and Documentaries.  I am a historical fiction junkie.  Anything that is supposed to be set in a different time period pretty much means I will watch it.  Downton Abbey.  Mad Men. The Tudors. American Dreams. Pretty much anything on Masterpiece or PBS. I see nothing wrong with taking a little time in front of the TV to unwind.
  • Talking.  I am a talker. I need to talk through my thoughts and feelings with people.  It's why I write this blog. It's why I am constantly texting friends and family.  It's why I love going to see my therapist.  I like to work things out with words.  I am beyond grateful for the handful of true friends who have listened to me over and over and over in the last few months. I continue to count on them heavily and they continue to make me smile daily.
  • Work.  I love my job.  Truly.  Working in a High School is the greatest. I get to know nearly 100 new students a year and watch the other 300 in the school grow up and mature.  The relationships that I have with my students and colleagues is like no other.  My coworkers are the most supportive group of people I have ever had a chance to work with.  Especially as I am going through this divorce, they have all been very kind and generous.  Several have referred to us as "family" and it really is true.
  • My online Mom Group.  I have a group of women that I met online when we were pregnant with our "babies".  We have become long distance BFFs and I have met several of them in person.  We exchange Christmas cards and gifts.  We do a birthday present swap for our children. We try to meet up whenever we are anywhere near one another.  And during extra tough times we support each other.  When I told them I was getting a divorce my mailbox was flooded with greeting cards letting me know that they were thinking of me and that they loved me.  When I finally moved into my own place, a box of frozen meals appeared on my door like magic to help me adjust.  They have been there for me through every tough moment in the last few years. Late night nursing with a newborn. Martial problems.  Finding the right swimsuit or jeans. Everything.

Even in writing this post, I am realizing that I have so many things in my life that make me happy.  It is truly amazing how focusing on those things can change your whole outlook and your whole day.  I need to remember that on my down days.  Focus on the happy.  Find the happy in the every day.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Music Speaks When You Can't

Music has always filled about 60% of my brain and memory.  I can remember song lyrics like nothing else.  Music speaks to me.  I have been known to sing along to the music in the supermarket, even.  I write down song titles and lyrics that catch me no matter where I hear them.  My Pinterest account is full of song lyrics that I love.

During the last couple of months I have had a love/hate relationship with music.  Some songs cut me so deep that I can't even bear a note of them.  Others make me feel so calm and happy that I want to play them on repeat.  Then there are the ones in the middle that don't make me overly sad or happy but speak to me on a deeper level.  The kind where you hear them and think they are singing to you or about you.  The kind that leave you wistful for what they are singing about.  And, in my case, the kind that I add to my list of possible karaoke songs!

Right now, I am listening to John Mayer's "Born and Raised" essentially on repeat.  So many songs on this album are like the perfect trifecta of music qualities.  They calm me, make me think, and make me want to sing along.  Perfection.

Today, as I have just unpacked some of my belongings in my new apartment and am slowing bringing the rest over from my old house, one song in particular is speaking to me.  Do you have a song that speaks to your soul right now?


If I ever get around to living,
I'm gonna put my things away
In the drawers and in the closets
There I'll stay
Stay

If I ever get around to living,
It's gonna be just like I dreamed
I'm gonna take the love I'm given
And set it free
Free



Monday, September 21, 2015

Hi and Welcome!

Hello!  Welcome to my tiny little piece of the internet.  After much self reflection over the slow death of my marriage, I have decided to start writing about it.  "It" being my life.  The ins and outs and ups and downs of being 30 with a three year old daughter ending a relationship you have been in since you were a teenager.

Life is a little scary right now.  I have been with my former husband since I was 19.  This first time I moved out of my house, I moved in with him.  We have been together for nearly 11 years and most of it was wonderful.  We have a beautiful daughter who is the greatest joy and stress in both of our lives.  Life as I know it, and especially as she knew it, is changing.

My daughter and I moved into our own apartment which we will soon be sharing with my retired Father.  Yes, I will be 30 and living with my parents.  Something I never thought I would say.  Maybe saying he lives with me will make it sound better.  Either way, I am beyond grateful for his willingness to come and help me during a difficult transition.  My former husband and I are working on remaining friends despite a lot of mutual hurt and are doing everything we can to successfully co-parent our girl.  My emotions have been on a three month long roller-coaster that hasn't slowed down yet!

In the meantime, I am trying to find a way to balance being an always on Mommy and no longer on wife with being a 30 year old woman with her own interests and wants.  I want to do things that will make me happy.  I want to surround myself with people who bring me joy.  I want my daughter to see her mother as the happy person that I truly feel that I am on the inside.

So, that is a little about me and why I am writing.  Maybe you are on the verge of a divorce. Maybe you are 30 and want more happiness.  Maybe you have a young child who simultaneously drives you crazy and makes you beam with pride.  If so, then I hope that you will stick with me as I share my view of the roller-coaster!