Happiness is a Journey (stream of consciousness)

There are so many trite sayings about happiness.  But, things are overquoted for a reason: they usually ring true.

So many things have happened since I last wrote.  My Dad moved in.  The holidays.  Our first apart wedding anniversary.  Meeting the new girlfriend.  My first solo vacation ever.  Many milestones met.  So much growth.  I am not even sure where to begin.




There was a time when I wasn't sure I would ever be happy again.  That I was destined to be sad about the loss of my marriage and sad about the turn my life took.  I was not in control of my life within my marriage.  I was constantly trying to manage someone else's emotions.  Mine were neglected almost entirely until I felt numb.  Getting out of that relationship has not been easy, of course, but it has been the best thing for myself.

When my Dad moved in, things were rough for a bit.  My daughter was confused and somewhat angry that her Dad wasn't living with us.  She wouldn't listen to her Grandpa and was downright mean.  Thankfully, we have turned a corner.  She makes a point to say good morning and goodnight to him.  She plays with him and listens when he disciplines her.  It has been such a great help to me to have him there.

I decided to coach another sport and am coaching JV Basketball.  It takes up a lot of my time but the relationships that I am forming with these 15 girls are truly priceless to me.  I really enjoy being a mentor of sorts and getting to teach them and see them improve at a sport that I was never completely sure I like (spoiler alert: I actually DO!) is really fun.  I never would have done this before.  I would have been concerned about how it would have impacted my husband and his needs.  I never would have taken a stand to do something that I really love.  I am so glad that I am able to do that now.

I met his girlfriend.  The one that he met while we were still married.  Not only did I meet her, but I encouraged him to show her that he wanted to be with her.  I have COMPLETELY let go of the hurt.  I refuse to hang onto anger when I know that we are so much better off apart.  So, if he can be happy with someone else and she can be OK with the relationship that he and I will have for the rest of our lives then there is no reason for that to not happen.  She was lovely. She was pretty and friendly and it was obvious that my daughter really liked her.  Why should I do anything to wreck that?  More happiness in our family, which is what we still are, is not a problem!

Dating.  I haven't done much of it.  I have talked to some people here and there, but nothing much to write home about.  One thing I know for sure is that I am still much too willing to look past any and all negative in a situation and I still very much see the good.  While I think this is great on some level that I have come out of a long relationship that ended in infidelity and apathy with hope for happiness, it also shows that I have a long way to go until I will be able to be in a truly mutual relationship.  One where not only am I doing my best, but I am doing my best for someone who deserves it.  I am worthy even when I am a work in progress.

Overall, I recognize every day how broken my marriage had become.  How much I had truly lost myself.  How grateful I am that even though it hurt, I was able to find my way out.  Grateful that regardless of how our marriage ended, that I still care deeply for my former husband.  That he and I will remain friends and parents to our girl.  That we can do things like go on outings the three of us and actually laugh and have fun and act like friends.  Grateful.