Love Anyway

I have learned throughout my marriage and especially the end of my marriage that I am different than a lot of people that I know.  That doesn't mean I am better or worse, but I seem to approach things differently than a lot of my friends.  I think this is in part due to my religious background as a teenager.  But, it also has to be just something within me.  Sometimes I wonder if this is a curse, because it sure seems to hurt me sometimes.

I can love unconditionally.  I see the good in people no matter what.  My ex was not a great husband to me.  He did many, many things that hurt me deeply.  Sometimes, he still does.  I hurt him, too of course.  The difference between he and I is that I forgive and love anyway.  He never could.  Even with everything that happened, and all that he did to me, I still love him and know that I always will.  He is a part of me.

My ex has struggled with depression for a long time.  Today is his birthday which even in the best of times was always a hard day for him.  He never quite felt enough love on his birthday for as long as I have known him.  It reminds him of mortality and that life is moving forward towards death whether he likes it or not.  So today on my lunch break, I talked to him.  I listened to him talk to me about girl problems, about how sorry he was for the things he had done to me, and how worried he is of being alone.  I reminded him that he matters, that he is loved by me and others, and that he is worthy of a happy life.

I told him what I have truly learned in the last couple of months.  You cannot let anyone but yourself control your happiness.  Other people will let you down.  We are human and it is in our nature.  You can forgive them and love them anyway.  You can forgive yourself and love yourself anyway.

In the last few months I could have taken many paths.  I could have been spiteful, and vengeful, and angry, and mean.  I wasn't.  I was hurt.  I said some things that I felt when I felt them.  But, under it all, I loved my ex anyway.  It made me happy to know that I was choosing what was best for me.  I read a quote once that said "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".  This is true for me.  I believe in being the kind of person that I want to meet.  In being the good in the world.  Of showing people who may not otherwise feel it that they are loved unconditionally.  This makes my life much happier.